With Christmas approaching soon, there are too many things going on – like how hard it is to shop for the parents, how my Fall semester ended (with good grades, DUH!), how I’ve been happily tired because of early morning cell convos – but I’ve got to get this off my chest. If I don’t, I’m going to die of laughter!
I received an email from somebody I recently decided to cut out of my life. After another broken promise, I decided to no longer be disillusioned with the disrespect, deceit and distance. Instead of letting things slide anymore (as I had been doing for about three years), I decided to snip-snip-snip. So far, the removal of his phone number, Facebook, Twitter, Skype haven’t been as detrimental as I thought it would be.
You would think that with today’s technology, a long-distance relationship would cease to be difficult. Due to the distance, he couldn’t physically spend a lot of time with me.That’s understandable, but when he did have the time, it was sparse and hurried. In the most recent times, my time with him would be cut short so he could spend time with other guys. Due to his excuses, he didn’t call/text/email as often as he used to, so I became quite capable of sleeping soundly without hearing his voice all day. He tweeted the world more often than he texted me. He didn’t use Facebook as often, even going so far as to remove/untag his photos completely. And phone calls…What were those, except random 2 a.m. rings? I had my suspicions, but I kept them to myself. All in all, I was becoming used to flying solo – and liking it. In the past, I experienced body aches and waves of nausea when I missed him. I couldn’t sleep; I couldn’t eat. I felt horrible. This time, though, is different…
First off, I found the fact that there was a message from him in my inbox IRONIC. Like I mentioned before, he abandoned email. So imagine my surprise to discover the striking difference between no email while in Tallahassee, but a lengthy email while in Leesburg. He can’t send me an email when he’s “running and gunning” in North Florida, but has plenty of time to send one when he’s sitting around in Central Florida. Because, really, that’s all it is: He’s bored. Amazing how he can find time to contact me when he has nothing to do with himself. How much you want to bet he hopes I’ll be his “fun” while he’s down here?
What’s sad is that I don’t think he realizes how mistaken he is. Well, not sad, really. More like funny. Pathetic funny, but his misguided views make me laugh so yeah, it’s still classified as funny.
It’s all well and good that he now realizes the damage he did then, but it’s not to be so easily repaired. For one, I don’t think I want it to be. I’m finding that other things, other people make me smile and laugh. I’m finding that I’m happier when I’m not caring about someone else who isn’t caring about me. I remember asking him long ago if we could be friends should we ever break up. He refused. I hope he remembers that as the thought of a “different, new chapter in our lives” shatters like fine china hitting the floor.
Again, he misunderstood the values of friendship. Friendship is based on trust and respect. He didn’t trust me to tell me about his doings, yet he wants me to trust him with my free (and apparently to him, expendable) time, energy and effort. He couldn’t respect me, yet he wants my help and advice for free. He’s right in that he wouldn’t have to pay a friend to care, but he lost a friend a long time ago. It would strictly be a business matter from here on out – and business speaks in the language of money. I’m surprised he expected business with me to be anything but business. SMH
If I remember correctly, HE was the reason why I stopped drawing. He monopolized the time I set aside for my anime artwork and graphic design projects. It was never an issue of no desire to draw, it was an issue of not having the time to draw, thus dulling my skill at it. As for my novel idea to generate funds for the UCF Nicholson School of Communication by selling ad space on the classroom walls, I remember brainstorming that idea with Leah. If he were told of that idea, it was after I had discussed everything with my best friend and professors. As for my other classmate taking credit for my work, there wasn’t any “project” related to securing justice for her wrongful deed. Again, I spoke with Leah first, then him. Granted, he was a part of my support system during the tumultuous time with my roommates. However, he was a part of the system, not the system. And he’s absolutely right about not telling me anything. Even though I keep getting voted Best Mother on Myspace and Facebook, I couldn’t be a parent. Unlike a dog, I don’t love unconditionally. If I were his parents, the blantant misuse of time and resources would be a smack in the face.
And yet I find it strange that he can’t even talk his way into ONE job, any job. Sure, it’s hard to get a job in Tallahassee – if you never look for one. How can he be trying his hardest to find a job when he’s doing everything but job hunting?
In the end, he apologizes for…well, whatever other sorry excuse he’s come up with. I’ve lost track. I’d apologize too, but (1) I’m stubborn and (2) I can find nothing to apologize for. The past, present and future are what they were, are, and will be. Of one, I don’t regret. Of the other, I’m liberated. Of the last, I’m excited.
Rather than work like the ant, you chose to sing like the cricket. I hope you enjoy your song:
Look at what this girl done did to me,
She done cut me off from her good, good love.
She told me that those days was gone.
Now I’m sittin here goin halfway crazy,
Cause I know she still thinks about me too.
And it ain’t no way in hell that I can be just friends with you.
And I wish we never did it, and I wish we never loved it, and I wish I never fell so deep in love with you and now it aint no way we can be friends.
The way it felt, no faking it. Maybe we were moving just a little too fast,
But what we’ve done we can’t take it back.
And if I knew it ends like this,
I never would’ve kissed you cause I fell in love with you.
We never would’ve kicked it.
Girl, everything’s different.
I’ve lost my own recoverin’ my friend,
I wish we never did it.
And I wish we never loved it,
And I wish I never fell so deep in love with you and now it aint no way we can be friends.
Aint no tellin when we can be friends…